Ten Things I Learned From the Movie "300"

A little movie came out a few years ago called 300. I really wasn’t a fan when it came out, but I decided to give it another shot when it aired recently on cable.

If you haven't heard of it, it's (sorta) the story of the Battle of Thermopylae, which is where a small army of 300 Spartans (and, y'know, some other folks - but "shhhh") were able to hold their own against the massive Persian Empire. If the battle been lost, Western civilization as we know it would not exist.

It was, as they say, kind of a big deal.

I've read about the Battle of Thermopylae in history books, and it's pretty fascinating. I've learned a lot. However, after watching 300 I realized that I really knew very little about what went on in central Greece over two thousand years ago.

So with that, I present to you Ten Things I Learned While Watching 300:

1. The Persian Empire (and though not explicitly said, it's implied that by association modern-day Iran) was filled with horrific, gay, evil, gay monsters.

2. The 300 Spartans were able to hold off an army of 150,000 to 250,000 Persians using only their prettiness combined with the awesome might of their sexuality. (HETEROsexuality)

3. Sparta was absolutely a free, democratic society. Nope, no slaves in Sparta. What. So. Ever. Holy crap, what a crazy idea that is. Slaves in Sparta? Stop taking crazy pills, ya hippie!

4. Spartans will charge into battle barely dressed, with no armor whatsoever, use the phalanx formation that they're prided for exactly once, and they'll STILL kick the crap out of your giant army. In slow motion. That's how sweet they are.

5. Leonidas, King of Sparta, had a very blatant, almost Sean Connery-esque Scottish accent.

6. A Spartan, apparently, COULD NOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE.

7. Ancient Sparta, on the whole, looked a lot like a mid-90s alt-rock music video that you would see on MTV at 3:00 in the morning.

8. Spartans, at least in 480 BC, had as of yet not mastered the art of “Not getting your helmet knocked off every three seconds during battle.” Still didn’t need it, though. For more information, see “Number 4.”

9. The Battle of Thermopylae would have lasted about forty five minutes, except everyone made the curious decision to fight in slow motion for much of the time.

10. In Hollywood, it is possible (and evidently quite easy) to fail upwards, as after this director Zack Snyder would go on to make “Watchmen”, that movie with the owls that wear helmets, and the upcoming Superman reboot “Man of Steel.”

I hate 300.